There was a time where I thought everything that was happening in my life was great. Where I didn’t have to worry all the time about money, what I was going to do the rest of my life, what mattered when it came to my time, and now I just sit on the recliner and wait. Wait for something exciting to happen. Wait for someone to actually ask how I am compared to what they think I am. There was a time where I didn’t worry about everything that goes inside my head.
I worry a lot. It’s kind of a part of me. I put on a front quite a bit. I try to show that I’m succeeding in what expectations others have of me. I kind of became someone who I didn’t think I could be. I use “I” way too much, but since this is MY blog, I’m allowed to.
When I’m with friends, I try to lose the other side of me that wants to just be panicking constantly. What do I panic about?
Money, am I where I want to be, roommates, will I ever meet that “special” guy, food, my left foot, friends, why I just sit here, maybe it’s more of what I’m worrying about. That’s right, I’m not panicking, I’m worrying.
Money is a big thing in life, everyone has to have it to survive. I’m constantly trying to make money to pay my lease for my car, my rent, and even though I haven’t started, student loans. Gosh, it upsets me every time I think about money. Gas prices are constantly going up and when they’re down, I’ve already filled my tank and then I drive two hours north and all that money I spent on the gas, I have to buy more. Money buys food. My mom every week makes me food that will last either the rest of the week or will last me two weeks. I don’t like to go shopping, because if I buy something I have to talk myself into keeping it. The one time I went and bought something with my own money, I had to just say listen you’re going to get a lot of use of this, it will be great when you’re doing outside videotaping soccer in the freezing cold or even when you’re inside videotaping a hockey game. I bought two superhero shirts and oh man, I love those shirts. Especially my Captain America shirt, there’s nothing like having a shirt you’ve been wanting for a year and then going into Walmart seeing it was $8 cheaper. That’s a slap in the face, but you still got your Flash shirt out of it, which will remind you that you’re trying to find your “Sheldon” in real life. Yeah, it makes me think of The Big Bang Theory. I wanted to rent a movie this weekend and I didn’t, $2 is a lot now.
Am I where I want to be? I’ve lived here for Five years before this and now I’m thinking I’ll be stuck here the rest of my life. I’ll never move. But I have my job. That’s all that matters. I love my job. How many web designers can say they have the video job they’ve been wanting. There are times when I’m watching movies and picture myself being the one who’s directing the movie. Yes, there will always be the want in my heart where I want to actually go make a real movie. Where in the credits it will say my name. Then there’s the point when I’m watching The Oscars and that’s when I think of my acceptance speech. By the way, I named my car Oscar.
I have one Christian roommate who understands where I’m coming from when it comes to talking about mutual friends, church, God, etc. We went to the same high school, I graduated a year before her, she offered me this place this past summer and I’m grateful for that. Note: I also say because a lot. My other roommate goes to school with my Christian roommate. She needed a place to stay at the time and asked her. I didn’t find out until a week before I moved in. She swears so much, complains, talks about herself and school a lot. I’ve held back on telling her to shut up but I have a feeling I’m not going to hold it in anymore and just shout it at her.
Will I ever meet that “special” guy? All my friends have dated and then there’s me. I’ve never been on a date, never had that first kiss, never been in a relationship. Actually wait, I have had some sort of relationship. I’m not sure how we started talking but we did, we were both from the same town but graduated from two different schools. We both were in two different colleges, at the time I was going to be a teacher and he was going to school to be a doctor. Good for him for going through that. I couldn’t imagine doing that. We texted every night before going to sleep and sometimes I would think, ‘oh, I think tonight I’ll go to sleep early’ but I couldn’t, because I was looking forward to talking to that guy. The guy who made me smile. The guy who texted me one night asking if we could hang out and at that point I was in my pj’s with retainers in, which immediately I changed and I kicked my sister and her boyfriend out of the living room so I could hang out with him. We played wii. I can still remember how nervous I was. I wasn’t sure if anything else was going to happen that night or not. He told me before all of this that he didn’t have time to date, so we would only be friends. Friends who were having feelings for each other. A few of my friends disliked I talked to him since he wasn’t a Christian. But I didn’t listen, I figured that I could possibly change him. He didn’t know I was a Christian. We talked one night about going to a graduation together and were having a decent conversation until a topic that got brought up that made me angry and hurt. He said something along the lines of how he wanted to ask me a question and I said okay thinking maybe he was going to ask me out on a date, where we would have a conversation face to face instead of through a mobile device. Instead this is what he asked, ‘my friends tell me how great sex is, will you be my first?’ I was speechless, I couldn’t believe that’s what he wanted to ask. I blew up on him, told him I was Christian and I don’t believe to do that until after marriage. He apologized and said that’s a good belief to have, I’m still the same person, please let’s forget about this. I couldn’t. There was no way I could forget that. Some say I should think of that as a compliment that he wanted me to be his first. No, I just wanted a guy who liked me enough to take me on a date not skip all that and go straight to something I wasn’t ready for.
So after that I am curious what it’s going to be like for a real relationship. When will I meet the special guy who won’t skip going on a date with me and ask me such a personal question? When will I meet the guy where I can’t stop smiling because I now know what it’s like to be in love? I’m looking at guys wondering why they aren’t looking back at me. What will make me good enough for them? Wear makeup? Do my hair nice and pretty? Dress dressier? Stop acting like a tomboy? Yes, I like wearing jeans more than dresses, I like sneakers not heels, I like to wear a t-shirt that has something funny to say than a shirt where you can see everything, I don’t do my makeup because I actually don’t know how and the same goes with hair. Others do it for me. But I’m going to start learning and I’m going to attempt to do it more.
Food goes with money. You need to have money to afford food. I can afford food. I just don’t eat as often as I should. So mom makes my meals. There will be days where I’ll eat a lot and there will be days where I’m too busy to do that.
My left foot is broken and the ankle is sprained. I went to a bounce house place with a friend and while getting out I tripped on a ball and my left foot came in more and I heard a snap. I stood there looking at my friend and then said go get someone and then fell. I felt so much pain that being conscious didn’t seem like a good option. I was losing it at one point, my friend Liz had to keep snapping fingers, shaking me to open my eyes, I just didn’t want to feel any of it anymore. The ice was good but I just needed something to really take the pain away. We were at one point going to go to the hospital but decided to just wait until I took Tylenol and rested. So that happened on a Saturday morning and the rest of the afternoon consisted of us watching movies and ignore the reason why were here. I kept joking about how we could always go back to that place and she could continue to bounce around. I am very appreciate of how Liz took care of me. I knew she was panicking. I knew she didn’t know what to do but neither did I. So 5 weeks later and my foot still hurts. Wearing a boot isn’t the greatest, my job involves standing. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m starting to wear sneakers once in a while. Loose sneakers, where I don’t have to feel the pain. I went from that weekend of when it first happened to crawling around, to hopping around, to using crutches to wearing a boot and now attempting to wear sneakers.
Friends. Why worry about friends? Well let’s see, I have friends who have moved away and now live in another state. Hmm, just the other day we talked on the phone and you know what, it was nice but it was weird. I mean yeah it’s great I talk to her on the phone but we have different lives now. There’s a friend who I’ve lately been seeing every two-three weeks, which is nice because it’s very different. Normally we don’t see each other until months go by. You know what is great with that friend, we don’t have to talk everyday to keep our friendship going because I know she’s there for me and I’m there for her. Recently I met her boyfriend and I haven’t told her this so instead she’ll read it on here, I approve. He’s really nice. But I also approved before I met him, I can see how happy he makes you so that’s all that matters to me. Another friend who lives near the friend I just mentioned, we talk once in a while, but we haven’t seen each other for months now and you know what that’s probably not going to be awkward at all. We don’t let that type of thing get in the way of our friendship. Then there is the friend who lives on an island, we talk everyday. Our conversations go from serious to hilarious so fast we can’t even keep up.
Then there’s the friends up north, the one who is still in school that’s in LA, the only thing I worry about is that I’m not going to be able to see her graduate in May when I said I would go and see her do it. Then there’s the one who’s a nurse who I see through snaps and once in a while a text. Then there’s the younger friends. Well I just spilled my guts to one of them the other night and do I regret it? Yes and no. No, because it was nice to finally let someone know what goes on in my head. Yes, because she’s only 19. She doesn’t need any of that in her life. She doesn’t need to see what is wrong with my life. She can just read it on here if she wants to. There’s two other friends who I would never open my mouth and say any of that to them. In my mind, they’re too young to hear that and so is the nineteen year old. But she happened to be there when I was having an off day.
Huh, that sounds familiar probably because I am having another tonight. Half of what I’m writing I feel like I’m shouting. My mood changed after I started talking about foot probably because I took a break and actually attempted to clean my room and decided I don’t need to be on my computer.
Well, here goes nothing, why I just here. Probably because I don’t have a life. All I did this weekend was walk a dog and just read ridiculously stupid things that makes me either go dumber or makes me go on another path that doesn’t involve God. I already stopped one person from telling me this, I know if I tell God what’s wrong He’ll listen. I’ve heard it. Sometimes though you just need to to talk to someone or you need to write it all on where everyone on the internet can see this. But am I going to publish this last part or not? We’ll see. Remember I need to keep that front on me that shows people that I’m super happy and nothing is wrong. No one will know the difference. My smile comes out anyway even though in my heart, I’m lost. So lost and confused. Maybe I’ll meet more friends down here and they’ll make me happier. Where I don’t feel like I’m just going home to be on this. Which is what I do everyday. Maybe something good will happen this week or coming weekend. Good day.
dontstopbelieving4 