You know what’s interesting?
The thought process that sometimes goes through my head when a friend of mine asks me to hang out. I go from “hmm is this actually happening” to “I wonder what exactly it is that I have to offer” to “oh, it’s not just me they want to hang out with.”
Honestly, I am so self conscious when I hang out with people sometimes that I have to think about why I’m being asked. I tell my mom repeatedly that I still am in awe when certain friends ask me to hang out. She tells me that it’s because they like me, my personality, my character. But in my head, I wonder is it really me or is it something I have that they want?
The question is why do I do this? How did it come across that I’m so self conscious that I can’t sometimes enjoy the moment or when I do, I wonder when it’ll end. Well, I guess it would be when I was a kid and I would ask a friend to hang out and they would say yes but then cancel at last minute. Or they would say, “I have to see what’s going on that day” what that really means is if there isn’t anything better to do I will hang out with you but if someone who’s cooler than you comes along you should know that answer by now. You would think after years of getting that as a response I would just stop asking that friend? No, because at one point she had to of liked me for me right?
I have friends now that do like me for me, I think. In my mind I always question, what exactly is so appealing about Chelsea that they just continue to have this friendship? What if I get too attached that they see me as a different person? When I use the phrase I said above about seeing what else happening that day, normally means I have work or a prior commitment that I said yes to but actually don’t want to do.
Working at Living Waters, you would think that my self conscious would have gone away, but nope, I thought one friend just used me for my ability to take her away from camp or just being able to drive. No, it was me for me but it took me a while to get what that meant.
When I’m home, I normally see the same type of people and it’s normally family and a few friends. Sometimes it’s bonfire at someone’s house or I was invited for dinner. Okay, we all have those places where you know that no matter what you could walk into and know that the people who live there won’t mind. My aunt’s house is that for me for sure, I lived there so I boom, there’s the privilege. I have a friend’s house I’ve started to do that with, at first I thought her parents minded, but because I pick up their daughter so much and they have all the different cars I have driven memorized, they know who I am. My married friends, I normally just walk in but sometimes I knock, they tell me to just come on in, no need but hey privacy.
Now there is this one house I will mention, the family is probably the sweetest family I’ve ever met. They’re just so nice. I’m friends with their daughter and I either kidnap or stay at the house to hang out with them. But the house is just so welcoming and you can’t just be friends with one of them, the whole family you have to get to know. Well, I’m writing about two different reasons yes their house I’m always curious if it’s okay to just walk into, they say yes but at the same time, privacy and I don’t do that. For this family, I don’t know how I got lucky enough to call them friends. I feel privileged to call the parents, friends, I’ve gone to both of them to talk about different issues and they just still welcome me with open arms. This is one of the few families, I do feel self conscious where if I keep going to them that fewer invitations happen, the welcoming smiles, that I’m too old to hang out with their kids but too young to hang out with them. Which actually is a huge thing I keep thinking about. There is an age difference and sometimes it can’t be looked past.
Yes, I’m being silly, but when you meet me and see that I’m super sarcastic, try to understand how that happened.
In my hometown, there’s a group of people you would think was a clique, they went to high school together, some the same college, same church, hang out whenever it’s possible. I went to same high school and eventually same church but I wasn’t cool enough for the group in my eyes and I thought for theirs too. Reality of it was I went to Living Waters so I was never around during the summer. It wasn’t until I said goodbye to summers at camp and hello to working at my mom’s store. Slowly being invited to campfires, to hang out at someone’s house. This is when I really knew I was accepted was when I was invited to the big Bar Harbor trip. I didn’t go because I was moving that weekend and it just happen to be the same weekend I broke my foot, but that’s a different story that I’m sure I already said. Cough bounce house cough cough.
Anyway, I started getting invited to their houses when we were all home from college during breaks and New Years Eve parties. I was accepted, I had friends. They didn’t like me for my material items, it was me. I had people that cared. But even now after being in a wedding for two of them, being invited to family gatherings, sitting with them at church. I still am self conscious because I have the constant wonder when will my friendship not be enough and something better comes along?
Will I tell anyone of these people? I have a blog they could easily come across it. I have other friends who could send them this but I know in the back of my head that I do have lifelong friends.
The reason why I know this is because I talk to some of them either quite frequently or once in a while. We have the moments of being able to continue where we left off. There’s never doubt. How you know you have a true friend? When you have a weekend in November planned out every year to see a movie. When you don’t mind moving a bunch of stuff from one place to another. When you buy a $425 ticket to a band that isn’t your favorite but it’s your friends. When your friend breaks her foot and you’re the one stuck to run the errands or get the food cause they’re in pain. When you know your friend better than they know themselves. When you send a text message and know that even though they don’t respond doesn’t mean they’re ignoring you, they’re just busy.
Yes, I’m self conscious and yes I doubt the reasons why I’m capable to have friends, but I know that deep down inside of me, there is a reason why I have friends.
dontstopbelieving4 