You know what’s interesting?

The thought process that sometimes goes through my head when a friend of mine asks me to hang out. I go from “hmm is this actually happening” to “I wonder what exactly it is that I have to offer” to “oh, it’s not just me they want to hang out with.”

Honestly, I am so self conscious when I hang out with people sometimes that I have to think about why I’m being asked. I tell my mom repeatedly that I still am in awe when certain friends ask me to hang out. She tells me that it’s because they like me, my personality, my character. But in my head, I wonder is it really me or is it something I have that they want?

The question is why do I do this? How did it come across that I’m so self conscious that I can’t sometimes enjoy the moment or when I do, I wonder when it’ll end. Well, I guess it would be when I was a kid and I would ask a friend to hang out and they would say yes but then cancel at last minute. Or they would say, “I have to see what’s going on that day” what that really means is if there isn’t anything better to do I will hang out with you but if someone who’s cooler than you comes along you should know that answer by now. You would think after years of getting that as a response I would just stop asking that friend? No, because at one point she had to of liked me for me right?

I have friends now that do like me for me, I think. In my mind I always question, what exactly is so appealing about Chelsea that they just continue to have this friendship? What if I get too attached that they see me as a different person? When I use the phrase I said above about seeing what else happening that day, normally means I have work or a prior commitment that I said yes to but actually don’t want to do.

Working at Living Waters, you would think that my self conscious would have gone away, but nope, I thought one friend just used me for my ability to take her away from camp or just being able to drive. No, it was me for me but it took me a while to get what that meant.

When I’m home, I normally see the same type of people and it’s normally family and a few friends. Sometimes it’s bonfire at someone’s house or I was invited for dinner. Okay, we all have those places where you know that no matter what you could walk into and know that the people who live there won’t mind. My aunt’s house is that for me for sure, I lived there so I boom, there’s the privilege. I have a friend’s house I’ve started to do that with, at first I thought her parents minded, but because I pick up their daughter so much and they have all the different cars I have driven memorized, they know who I am. My married friends, I normally just walk in but sometimes I knock, they tell me to just come on in, no need but hey privacy.

Now there is this one house I will mention, the family is probably the sweetest family I’ve ever met. They’re just so nice. I’m friends with their daughter and I either kidnap or stay at the house to hang out with them. But the house is just so welcoming and you can’t just be friends with one of them, the whole family you have to get to know. Well, I’m writing about two different reasons yes their house I’m always curious if it’s okay to just walk into, they say yes but at the same time, privacy and I don’t do that. For this family, I don’t know how I got lucky enough to call them friends. I feel privileged to call the parents, friends, I’ve gone to both of them to talk about different issues and they just still welcome me with open arms. This is one of the few families, I do feel self conscious where if I keep going to them that fewer invitations happen, the welcoming smiles, that I’m too old to hang out with their kids but too young to hang out with them. Which actually is a huge thing I keep thinking about. There is an age difference and sometimes it can’t be looked past.

Yes, I’m being silly, but when you meet me and see that I’m super sarcastic, try to understand how that happened.

In my hometown, there’s a group of people you would think was a clique, they went to high school together, some the same college, same church, hang out whenever it’s possible. I went to same high school and eventually same church but I wasn’t cool enough for the group in my eyes and I thought for theirs too. Reality of it was I went to Living Waters so I was never around during the summer. It wasn’t until I said goodbye to summers at camp and hello to working at my mom’s store. Slowly being invited to campfires, to hang out at someone’s house. This is when I really knew I was accepted was when I was invited to the big Bar Harbor trip. I didn’t go because I was moving that weekend and it just happen to be the same weekend I broke my foot, but that’s a different story that I’m sure I already said. Cough bounce house cough cough.

Anyway, I started getting invited to their houses when we were all home from college during breaks and New Years Eve parties. I was accepted, I had friends. They didn’t like me for my material items, it was me. I had people that cared. But even now after being in a wedding for two of them, being invited to family gatherings, sitting with them at church. I still am self conscious because I have the constant wonder when will my friendship not be enough and something better comes along?

Will I tell anyone of these people? I have a blog they could easily come across it. I have other friends who could send them this but I know in the back of my head that I do have lifelong friends.

The reason why I know this is because I talk to some of them either quite frequently or once in a while. We have the moments of being able to continue where we left off. There’s never doubt. How you know you have a true friend? When you have a weekend in November planned out every year to see a movie. When you don’t mind moving a bunch of stuff from one place to another. When you buy a $425 ticket to a band that isn’t your favorite but it’s your friends. When your friend breaks her foot and you’re the one stuck to run the errands or get the food cause they’re in pain. When you know your friend better than they know themselves. When you send a text message and know that even though they don’t respond doesn’t mean they’re ignoring you, they’re just busy.

Yes, I’m self conscious and yes I doubt the reasons why I’m capable to have friends, but I know that deep down inside of me, there is a reason why I have friends.

September 2016

All I’m going to say is it’s time I start writing again…

After the date

Well you read the Before the date now you’re reading what happened after the date along with now.

So I said that I was nervous. I was scared nervous. I can’t understand how I even got through with it. If my friend Liz wasn’t there I wouldn’t have been able to breathe. Ariel was a big help being there as well. I’m sure you want me to go into detail what happened but it was just a bunch of awkward not talking and nerves.

My first reaction to anything is to overthink what happened. The next day I had a two hour drive to do which meant more thinking, phone calls with family and a two hour game to video.

So during the game my coworkers/friends kept asking me about him. All I remember during the hockey game is I asked him to be my friend on Facebook. Then after the game and several reminders, I wrote to him apologizing for the nervous and awkward side of me and hoped to at least have future hang outs. I put myself out there, which isn’t something I normally do.

He read it because Facebook lets you know when that happens and at first I waited patiently for him to reply. Patience went to impatient, then to realization I’m getting ignored, to I give up. Wednesday and no reply meant nothing was happening. Nevora told me to move on Monday. Amanda told me to just give time but Wednesday even she was a little fed up. Liz same thing on Wednesday, she even told me that because I was so nervous that it showed I wasn’t interested, not something I wanted to happen but I couldn’t help the nerves. I muted the conversation, I wasn’t expecting a reply any time soon so I just didn’t want to get my hopes up anymore.

Thursday. Thanksgiving. I actually forgot about it except with my cousin who drove me to my aunts that day asked if he wrote to me. That was around 12ish. I didn’t check my phone knowing the answer would be no. My aunt asked me about it, I just said nothing’s going to happen, so I gave up. She told me to get the conversation up so I could show her what I said. I opened it and saw “J sent a sticker” (I’m not using his name). After seeing that I squawked or squeaked, either way a noise came out like a strangled sound. My aunt gave me a smirk and said that’s from him right? I went red. He said Happy Thanksgiving in caps with lots of exclamation marks after it and a sticker of a turkey. My mom FaceTimed me after this. I talked to him for 2 hours before we both had to stop, he went to go play games with his family and I was about to have supper. My smile never left my face. We continued talking that night.

We talked the next day before I headed back to go film a game. We talked Saturday. Sunday we talked that night for four and a half hours. Amanda told me she asked her boyfriend what it meant if a guy talked to a girl for four and half hours, he said oh that means a guy likes her.

Do I know the actual answer to this? Possibly. I’m not exactly allowed to say, he could read this. He could see my giving up moment. He could see that I was scared and I didn’t know what else to do. I still am nervous, but it’s more of an excitement because this could be something big or it may be something that just has us turn into friends. I’m willing to find out what this truly will be.

Before the date

This post was made before now, it was made for the weekend of November 20-22. It was before the date. The nerves.

November 1, 2013 I posted a blog called “Dear Future Husband”

At the time, I was just talking. I had no purpose for it. I don’t really remember what was going on in my life, I was a last semester senior in college, still trying to figure out what I wanted in life. Now I’m 24, working two jobs, one as a Production Assistant/Videographer and as Behavior Analyst Technician (BAT). Did I ever imagine myself in this position? No, but life throws curveballs and I just happen to really love my Production Assistant job, being able to go to any college games for free, but as a videographer, that’s just awesome.

In all honesty, I started off this blog more thinking about the upcoming date I have on Saturday. Okay it’s not a date date. It’s a group date. We both know that each other are interested to find out more about one another. I’ve been going 3 weeks trying to figure out what has been going on in his head that I’ve driven myself insane. Last week, I had to stop thinking about it which I did a really good job about it until friends/family start asking me questions. Basically, I told all of my friends about this, when I found out that it’s a possibility. They’re all super happy. My roommate did my hair and make up, which looked fantastic, when she found out about it.

One of the favorite shots, it’s the genuine smile of mine. Caught in a laugh, eyes closed.

Again this group date has just made me all jittery, butterflies flying in my stomach, so nervous that I don’t know what to do and beyond excited. The picture may involve makeup and my hair being done but what I really need to do is just be myself. I keep thinking if I do myself up like this, this guy won’t see the true me. So maybe wearing a sweater, jeans and either boots, Sperry’s or a pair of Nike’s will be what I’m wearing. I don’t know all I know is that it’s better for me to just be myself and not who others portray me as.

I found out yesterday, the guy is excited about it. Like I said 3 weeks of not knowing what he’s thinking and I now know he’s excited, gave me hope that I’m not the only one who is excited besides the friends who will be there to witness this group date. Which we’re going bowling, I am amazing at bowling when it’s on the Wii, real life bowling, oh wow. There may be a reason why I haven’t played since high school.

First Joke – Now Reality?

Last night at this exact time a joke between coworkers and myself was happening. At the time, it was all laughs because it’s been an ongoing joke between one of them and me. They would sign me up for Christian Mingle, since they both have boyfriends and we would go on a triple date. I said it more as a prank while, HW said I shouldn’t have told them that and AB would make the account. The butterflies started fluttering in my stomach when I realized it went from a joke to it could possibly happen now. Questions just started flowing through my mind, “Was I ready for this?” “What happens if I actually find someone who I could like?” “What if this isn’t something I want at all?”

To give a background story on my life, no I haven’t had a boyfriend. I haven’t been on a date. Never been kissed. Yet sometimes my friends come to me for relationship advice and all I have to say is if it wasn’t for movies, television, friends and family dating and telling me what they’ve gone through; I wouldn’t be able to answer anything without that. But here I am and still just waiting for that perfect guy.

After the panic went through my veins of what would happen, excitement of realizing maybe it is time for me to just go out and attempt the life of dating. I can easily stop it anytime I want and not have to go on a date with anyone. So I’ve decided to give it a shot. I, Chelsea, will be giving dating a shot. If family members saw this, I don’t know if they would be saying about time or what but I just needed to make this decision on my own without any help.

While the conversation was going on with my coworkers and I, there were multiple conversations happening with friends. I copied and pasted the same thing in each message, “So my coworker friends are setting me up a Christian mingle account, it first was a joke. now it’s happening.” Quite a few were extremely happy to hear about this. A phone call even happened. One said be careful which I totally understand. One said not that way in person would be better. Today I got the response from my sister and she said even on Christian Mingle there are weirdos out there. So maybe Christian Mingle will be taking the back seat right now.

Because I have agreed with a friend of mine, AA, that she can finally set me up with a friend of hers. I met him a year and half ago and that was when she first mentioned us getting together. Seeing as we both are single, I officially said why not and told her go ahead. I have no idea what is happening in her mind about how it’s going to happen, but I trust her whole heartedly. She wouldn’t tell me about this guy for quite some time and then decide we aren’t compatible. I just hope he realizes my obsessions with Captain America, Journey and Harry Potter. Either way even if we aren’t compatible, I made a new friend and I attempted the dating world. Maybe we’ll just start off as friends who knows. Maybe this will help me realizing that dating isn’t bad and I won’t be judged that I haven’t dated before.

Will there be a blog about the process? Who knows? I just hope my readers haven’t fully vanished since I haven’t been blogging as much anymore.

Random Thought

Random thought

I was thinking how you go through friends throughout life and you wonder who’s going to stick around.

I was on Facebook and I realized all the people I knew in elementary that I’m Facebook friends with are mostly teachers I had or some friends. I think it’s just to see who’s doing what, who can top who in life.

A lot of my friends from elementary are married with kids or just have kids because they stuck to this one town and that’s what they know. So they’re going to stay in that town and live there.

I got out of the town. In high school. Was I planning on it? No, I wanted to stay there with my friends and just go to college then return as a teacher and continue living in that town. But no, because I was bullied and frowned so much, my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to leave the town and go to one 30 minutes away with a private Christian school. At the time, not something I wanted. At the time, my friends weren’t liking the idea. They didn’t understand why I had to leave. They didn’t understand why I all of a sudden became this person better than them and could leave.

That town was all I knew really. It’s the place where I could go to my aunt’s house any time because the bus driver knew where to take me. It’s the place where one of my friends came over to my house for 45 minutes and know that her mom is going to pick her up, because she worked across the street. It’s the place where I may have been the good child who didn’t do any of the crazy things but still had the awesome house to hang out at. I had teachers over at my house who actually hung out with me and my friends even though there was a huge age gap but they didn’t care. It was home. When I go back to this place, I get ignored, because I left. They think that I “think” I’m this better person. So now I’m an outsider, which isn’t that bad but when you think back to all the friends who said they would be best friends forever, clearly when you leave that specific town. It’s done. No best friends. One friend has stayed in my life, after leaving the same one who came over everyday because she could. We’re in different points in our lives so we don’t talk often. But sometimes I wish I knew what would have happened if I stayed.

Who would I be if I stayed in this town? Would I still be the same Chelsea? Would I have ever left? Would I have ever changed majors? Colleges? Would I still love God? Would I have the friends I have now?

In my opinion, no would be the answer to a lot of those questions. I wouldn’t have left. I would have left to go to school and then returned. I wouldn’t have the friends I have today. I’m hoping I would still love God and have somewhat of a relationship with Him. I wouldn’t be the same Chelsea. I would be the Chelsea who frowned a lot. Who would think it’s normal to get picked on by your best friends. Who would have continued playing basketball because of it being my favorite sport. Would have had the chance to write a speech during high school graduation. Who would still be friends with the people I’m Facebook friends with and not just Facebook friends. We’d hang out in person. We’d live near each other. We’d have memories now.

I do wish I still talked to the people I went to elementary, middle school and freshman year with. They may ignore me. They may have pushed me out of their lives. But they know I’m still a person. So when I see them face to face it’s awkward. It’s because we’re at different points in our lives.

I’m working on my career. They have kids. I am single. They’re married or have significant others. I love life. They may as well. I love Jesus. I don’t know how many still do.

I do wish I still talked to these people sometimes. I wish I could easily Facebook one of them and say hi, remember when we did this or that. Hey want to hang out some time? If anything I wish by writing this is I get the courage to actually write to them. Because instead of telling people what my life was like as a kid. I like to relive with those people who were a part of it.

Writing a blog post for my work website is hard

For the past month, I was told by my boss that I needed to update the website. My major may have been Web Design, but that doesn’t mean I actually wanted to Web the rest of my life. I hate coding, I liked the graphic design part but I still wasn’t fabulous at it. My true passion was doing video, which is what I’m doing now. I never thought that I would have such a thrill videotaping sport games for a local college and now I’m a total fan of that place that I have so much apparel that I could probably advertise for the school. I never went to that school. My own school, I only have three types of apparel. I sometimes feel bad for my social media friends, they’re always seeing me post about the school and my job, but when they find a passion in their life that they love then they can post about it. Unless it’s something I can’t stand then you’ll never receive a favorite or a like from me.

The past couple of days, I’ve been in a writing type of mood I guess. I just updated my blog a couple of days ago and that felt nice to just have that little vent session. Yesterday, I found out Ellen has snapchat so I added her. She was talking about tickets to the Grammy’s and all you had to do was enter. Well why not enter? What’s the worst thing that could happen? I won’t get the tickets? Yeah, I’m already betting right now that I won’t get the tickets. Plus I have to work Sunday afternoon. How am I going to get a flight to LA from Maine at the last minute? I won’t be able to afford this. So while I’m filling out everything it asked for a picture which I chose and then my snapchat name which I’m not putting on here. Then it asked for my story. Oh my. What was I supposed to say? I thought maybe if I slept on it I would come up with something good enough. No I didn’t sleep on it, I wrote it last night. This is what I wrote:

“I’m a small town girl from Maine. While growing up, I lived with my mom and sister, my mom did everything for my sister and me, to make sure we had everything we needed. In high school, I transferred to a school where there was no bullying and that is where I met God. I went to a Christian camp during the summers and just found my love for God there. Last year I graduated college with a Web Design Degree and now work for a video company in Blank, Maine. What I do there is videotape the local college sports and do replay for basketball. Although that is a dream I never imagined doing, my lifelong dream is becoming a director. I love movies, I am constantly looking up movies on Google to find out more information about them. Now Ellen, she just makes my life more happy. I love going on YouTube to watch her, especially scaring people, she makes me laugh so much. Her Head’s Up Game is the best app I downloaded on my phone, I even made my own category. The song “Don’t Stop Believing” is my song. I’ve always loved the song and it’s the song when someone listens to they think of me. It’s just true, I’m a small town girl living in a lonely world, who will one day take a midnight train and go anywhere, I would love to meet the city boy. I’m a true Mainer who loves God and loves laughing. “

I thought it sounded decent enough. It’s me and no one can change that. One friend already said she liked it and my mom helped me change it a little. It’s sent. If anything I would love it if Ellen just wrote to me and asked me to come onto her show. You know how cool that would be? You read it here first, one day I will make it onto Ellen’s show and I’ll be ecstatic.

Today, while at work I was supposed to do video reels but instead the projector still wasn’t able to do what we needed to be done and after trying to put 3 rubber bands on a certain spot, I finally gave up. We ordered the part that was needed. At that point, I was either going to pick up and leave or write on the website. The whole reason why I started this blog post in the first place. I decided if I just wrote a small blog post at least I’ll have something. So I started typing and my co-worker said that it was pretty decent so go ahead. Putting it on the actual website probably took me 15 minutes to see how my boss normally does it. I finally figured it out even if I didn’t understand what I did. Hopefully next week when I do another blog post, I’ll remember what I’m doing.

End 2014 to Beginning 2015

Happy New Year!

I should have wrote that 29 days ago, but I just haven’t felt like writing anything. I haven’t had a purpose to write anything until right now. Why? It’s snowing, but that’s what it does in the state of Maine. It snows. Not only did we just get a huge storm on Tuesday, we’re supposed to get a huge storm tonight into tomorrow and I have a basketball game I have to do replay for tomorrow afternoon. I’m also hoping one of my friends comes to visit me. I haven’t seen her in person since September. I miss her. Don’t tell her that, her ego will go up and it’s just not something that needs to be shared with her.

So what have I been up to since I last wrote? Well, Christmas happened so that means we all celebrated with getting gifts from Santa but I hope what we really celebrated was Jesus’ birth. He is the reason why we’re here. Now most people I know went to a church service on Christmas eve to hear the story. However I went to my aunt’s house because that’s what I do every Christmas. This year my mom even went early so we all could actually be able to eat and do Yankee Swap pretty early. I’m actually getting ahead of myself. There were other things that happened that I’m sure you the reader who has read my previous blogs would like to know what happened.

When I went home it was a day later than I was supposed to because of a STORM. Figures you know. The next day, Saturday, was Adopt A Block at my church which we were just doing a breakfast which I showed up late, I was helping my mom open her store, and so I only got bacon bits and some eggs, but I went so I could see some of my friends. Well, after I found out it was a breakfast for appreciation, Ella’s mom came up to Rachel, Shelby and I while we were just talking. She gave me a big hug and then proceeded to invite the three of us to her house on Monday for a get together since they would be gone for a week and we wouldn’t be able to see Ella until they returned. Well, let’s just say all of our faces looked surprised. I think whatever happened back in October with Erin and I, changed all of us. No, we never expected anything to happen, but Rachel and Ella stopped talking first, then Shelby and Ella stopped talking too. Then Ella and I somehow would only talk once in a while during church but if the other two were involved she would walk away and it would just seem like I’m the only one she would talk to but the talking stopped with us too.

So getting an invitation to go to Ella’s house when we were actually not talking to her, well let’s say a huge conversation happened between the three of us talking about how we’re not sure if we should actually attend and then a little fear went through me, because I figured if Ella’s mom was going to invite us, that meant she was going to invite Erin and at that point, I was told to give her space. I had no idea what we were going to do, I technically already told Ella’s mom that I was going, so that meant I had to talk the other girls into going as well.

Sunday I stayed for both services because Madeline was home and I wanted to see her and sometimes she gets lonely during the second service plus one of the songs they sang I fell in love with it and wanted to hear it once more. “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” by Casting Crowns. I recommend it. Listen to it. So after the second service I decided to grow up a little and talk to Ella’s mom about Monday’s party. I just wanted to let her know that everyone in the group that she invited and was about to invite, were not talking except Rachel, Shelby and I. Well after I talked to her, I was going to get Shelby so we could bring the paint from my mom’s store to the house so it wouldn’t freeze. It was quite the workout and we were practically dead. Rachel helped at the end thankfully. But while this was all happening, Ella messaged me to talk about Monday and we moved past the whole “not talking”, she even wrote to Shelby and Rachel. Although when she saw that Shelby and I were hanging out at that precise moment, I think she felt left out, although if you can tell me of anyone who wants to go back and forth bringing paint to a truck and then driving it to a house and having to lift it downstairs then wow good for them.

That night was the Ugly Sweater Contest at youth and I think it’s because I’m a youth leader that I didn’t win but everyone told me that my sweater was the best. It had confetti, ribbon and lights on it. Yeah, I made a homemade sweater.

See it’s not that bad, but the lights I had were battery packed and I kept shedding the confetti. I really did enjoy my time while I was at this party. A lot of the youth seemed to be having fun while I was there. I’m not trying to be conceited but I really made the night more enjoyable. Also during the Yankee Swap, I started to eat the M&M’s in the present that I was opening and I did share with everyone, but no one was going to swap with me especially since most of it was almost half gone.

So Monday, it was time for the party and the three of us were still not sure whether or not we were all going. I had to wrap presents and do errands but I already said I was coming so I had to do some convincing. Also I was nervous not sure whether or not Erin was going but after having a Snapchat/Facebook conversation with her, I was talking her into going and I told her I would give her a ride home if she went. I didn’t want her to miss out on this. At one point, so she could go, I wouldn’t have backed out on going, I didn’t want her to miss out on the party. So what happened was I was giving Shelby and Erin a ride to Ella’s. Rachel has her license and she drove herself. The ride there was awkward. There was talking but more explaining of what was happening in each other’s lives instead of actually talking about the issue. What was even more awkward was the tension at Ella’s. Everyone in the that house knew Erin and I weren’t talking. The first half hour into it, I couldn’t make eye contact with her. I didn’t know how to talk to her. Somehow we needed to push past it, it was a bit strange cause Ella and her siblings, along with Rachel, Shelby and I were youth the night before so we talked about that and Erin looked like she felt left out. I don’t know how it happened but I was sitting in between Ella and Shelby and then Erin was right next to me. At that point, we had to talk to each other. It went smoothly after that, we played Pictionary with Ella’s dad and it just got weird. Finally I made eye contact with the ones I was driving with and we were all ready to go. Rachel’s car wasn’t working so that took a few minutes to go. The ride home, I wasn’t sure how the 15 minutes were going to pass but when Erin asked if I wanted to hang out again and we actually talked about what was going on, if everything was better and she said yes, I thought that was fine. Although the talking was more her talking about what was going on for her and me listening, so I don’t know if she already understood what was going on with me. But I left it at that. So now you the reader understand that Erin and I talked after that, are we better? A bit, we haven’t talked since. I even apologized to Ella’s mom about the tension and she didn’t mind.

Even though, I just had to write about all of that, this new year is going to be a bit different, I shouldn’t have vented about that but I just needed to do it once more and now I can just move forward. I’m two or more hours away from all of those girls, I talk to Shelby daily. The other ones, once in a while. One of them not as much, she’s back in school and with other friends, but the hurt of not talking is starting to get better, I think I’ll always miss not being able to talk to her, but maybe space is still something that needs to happen and I’ll give space.

So Christmas was great, I received a lot of Don’t Stop Believing items, Captain America shirts, UMaine apparel, a 48″ flat screen TV, clothes, and Apple TV. Let’s just say I was very excited about everything I got. Both TV’s are being put to use.

I rung the New Year in with friends, we were “Toasting in the New Year” which meant we ate French Toast and Bacon. There’s no better way than hanging out with friends and then we went to Freeport which was a lot of fun especially sine I was able to meet up with Liz.

I’ve also been very busy with UMaine games, I’m a huge fan of the Women’s Basketball, they’re doing an amazing job this year One of my tweets were even favorited by my favorite girls basketball team and I was able to get a picture with two of the girls.

I’m very thrilled about my job. I say it a lot, I love my job. I’m sadden by the fact that in March I will have to get another job so I’ll have more hours but I’m still happy and that’s all that matters.

Changes

A friend told me recently that I’m not the friend that they became friends with and that she wants that friend back but thinks that she won’t.

That statement just got me more freaked out than anything. I thought I was still the same person, but I’m not. I’ve changed.

It’s true, I’m not the same person I was a year ago. A year ago, I was a college student getting ready for the last time she would ever have finals because she was graduating college.

In February, my Subaru Forester transmission went, so I lost my first car, it changed me because I realized that not only was I moving back home to live with my mom but I also lost a way to get around.

Then last April, I just got hired at another job where I was going to learn how to be a Production Assistant and at the same time I was working at the radio station. Not only did that happen but I also just leased a Nissan Juke. I changed, I went from just working at the local radio station editing basketball games to now working 2 hours away from home and working once a week learning how to do my Production Assistant job.

In May, I actually graduated from college, I went to the commencement, walked across the stage, got my book that now holds my diploma and could officially say I graduated college.

June I became more sociable. I still lived at home, drove 2 hours away to stay with a family friend twice a week so I could be training in my job. One of my friends just offered a place to stay for a year and a half and then I had to make the decision on whether or not I should take that. Plus, I really could say at that point, I gained a new friend. I had my graduation party in June which meant bringing several different friendships together and the only person they knew was me, well except Liz and Natalie. It was a bit of a challenge because I found out that not only did I actually change, but my friendship with Natalie changed too. I was closer to Nevora and Madeline than I was with Natalie. I didn’t purposely do that, nor did I know that was happening but it showed that weekend, plus it showed in a slideshow. Even though, it was something I previously have done before in summers but I did VBS, so my little cousins could go and I could do something for a week. VBS was fun but it also changed from the year before to this past year. 2013 a group of us all hung out afterwards, well that group of people were more my age, but they had to work this current year. 2014 I hung out with my current youth group friends who I’ve mentioned before and they’re between the ages 17-19. I still enjoyed myself, it was nice just going back to the house or going out to eat and having fun. So for my graduation party, I had to change how I am with not just one friend but with four friends, I had Nevora, Liz, Natalie and Madeline all hanging out with me, well the thing is I act different with each of them and they know me from something different.

Nevora and I became friends in college when we were both going for education, well our friendship stuck even though we changed our majors. I’ve made videos with her and we were loud and we watched a lot of movies that involved hot men: Chris Hemsworth, Zac Efron, Chris Evans, Patrick Dempsey, etc. Plus we have played Grand Theft Auto together with me singing “I Will Always Love You” or “A Whole New World”.
Liz and I became friends at Living Waters, how we actually came to be friends is a story I’m never going to share on here and if I did, thankfully I don’t remember and don’t need it brought up. But we are similar with the things we liked, so we clicked. We bonded over Harry Potter and Hunger Games. I know that November 2015, I’ll be going to Liz’s house to watch the final Hunger Games movie.
Natalie and I also became friends at Living Waters, I can’t exactly remember how turned into friends other than we were counselors and I invited her and Liz to go to my house one weekend. 2010, 2011, 2012 involved summers at LW and she was there. 2012 we were closer and I went to see her in Canada at her school monthly until she graduated. Even though she now lives in a different state, we still talk either through a phone call or FaceTime.
Madeline and I met in 2007 when I transferred to the Christian School. She was one of the first people to talk to me and even though at the time we weren’t super close, we still were friends. We didn’t actually turn into better friends until 2013. She came to my camp on the 4th of July and then we just hung out more. She was there when I received my diploma in the mail. 2014 summer we hung out regularly.

So taking all these girls who have different personalities around my hometown, especially since Madeline is also rom my hometown she has seen all the tourist sights. Anyway, I had to realize since I was the host that I needed to make everyone feel welcome. I know that when we started watching “The Lucky One” I changed a bit just by having interesting commentary with Nevora. We would just make comments of how hot Zac Efron was. Madeline couldn’t help but laugh at me most of the time, just because she wasn’t used to me being blunt.

July: I didn’t really change, I was still the same, I just hung out with more people.

August: I had to go from living at home with mom, to moving so I could actually work at my job for real. So I had to change by getting ready to leave home, leave family and friends, leave what I was used to since January and live out on my own with two roommates where we are three entirely different people. At the end of the month, I broke my foot, my point of view of work changed, my point of view on how to walk changed, I had to start relying on people more than I was used to. I realized that I wanted to be more independent but couldn’t just because I was on crutches. Some of my friends were really supportive when it came to helping me out. They were more than willing to open doors, hold my crutches, get the ice if I really needed it.

September-December: I had to learn how to live with two different type of girls. One who is extremely quiet and one who is loud and swore a lot. One who I went to high school with and one who I didn’t know I was living with until a week before officially moving in. Now we’re all getting along but we had to change a bit to really “gel” with one another.

This is normally who I am, I’m quiet unless with friends or somewhere I’m very comfortable being at. So I have changed. I’m not who I was a month ago to now. I’m not even the same person yesterday. Time goes on and you continue to grow and change and become the person that God created you to be. The sooner you realize that you aren’t always going to be the same, the better. I’ve grown more confident at my job, I talk more with my co-workers and boss than I did when I first started. I’ve asked a few friends if they think I’ve changed, the two friends just said that I’ve become more sociable which is true. A year ago these friends were away at college so I didn’t see them, now that they’re home they always have plans to do something every weekend and when I’m home, I try to hang out with them as much as I can. It’s called having a life. I need one down where I am and I’m trying to do that, but being at home is way different.

To be honest, I have two different sides, the one who is genuinely is the one who you’ll see when I’m home. The awkward, not knowing what to do, slowly getting confident is the one who is at work. But I’m learning how to be myself now. I still laugh, I still am sarcastic, I still will joke around, I still am me, I’m just growing up more. I’m becoming the woman that God wants me to be, even if I’m struggling to become her, she’s my future and this present Chelsea is growing.

YouTube this…

Some of these songs will be recent, some will be old, either way it’s just songs I’ll be recommending that you should listen to or just songs that I’ve been obsessing over.

Nirvana – Sam Smith